The Lazy Eye – by PATTI JURINSKI

The Lazy Eye

 

My father has a lazy left eye that wanders off mid-sentence as if bored. When we sit down for dinner, and he starts yelling at my brother, the eye wobbles towards the door in search of a quiet corner. I want to go too; sit cross-legged in the coat closet away from the noise. Instead, I twirl the spaghetti around my fork, twisting, turning, over and over. Anything to keep from staring.

He’s had it since he was a boy, my mother tells me, pulling me onto her lap later that night.  The house settles around us, and I snuggle deeper into her bathrobe, tucking my head under her chin.  She points to a photo of a small cherub-like boy in dark knee socks and short pants. The right side of my father’s face is swallowed up by a black eye patch. He looks like a miniature pirate who’s lost his ship and crew.

My mother doesn’t know why the patch was on his right eye. Maybe, she thinks out loud, to make the left eye work harder. As if its laziness was a character trait that could be cured.

I checked your eyes when you were born, my mother says, smiling. I imagine her pulling down each of our tiny lids – my brother, my twin sisters, and me—looking for signs of minutes-old indolence, her relief followed by gentle kisses.

Some nights—when the bills are low, and our grades are high—I sit on the couch next to my father. We read—he the paper, me my book—and in the peaceful silence, I hold my breath; dare to take a peek.

With startling clarity, his left eye always winks down at me, under perfect control.

***

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Patti Jurinski lives in Florida with her husband and two sons, but will always be a New Englander at heart. Since leaving the corporate world four years ago, she has augmented car line boredom with reading and writing, the latter taking on a life of its own. Although writing a historical fiction novel is her main entrée, flash fiction stories are the yummy nibbles she can’t quite say no to.  She is thrilled (and slightly terrified) at the prospect someone may read her work.

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Remembering Snake Skeletons and a Cherry Red Impala -Artist, Finn Lafcadio O’Hanlon

Remembering Snake Skeletons and a Cherry Red Impala

On the 21st September, a second solo exhibition by 24-year-old English-born American artist, Finn Lafcadio O’Hanlon, will open at the Whiteconcepts space in Berlin. Titled The Plague Year, it will expand his meticulous exploration of syncretic religious, mediaeval and ‘pop’ iconography, cartography and lexicology – this time, within an exotic, decaying dystopia detailed in more than 25 very finely detailed monochromatic works. 
 
Finn’s last exhibition at Whitespace, two years ago, was one of the most successful openings for a young artist in Berlin that year. Introduced by the controversial German artist, Jonathan Meese, the entire show sold out within 48 hours.

Born in Brighton, England, Finn Lafcadio O’Hanlon grew up among creative, nomadic types in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Los Angeles before returning as a teenager to Sydney.

But as he recalls in the following brief memoir, it was his childhood memories of being often on the road with his eccentric parents in the American southwest that gave him a lot of the imagery that still populates his work.

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I spent my early childhood in the southwest of the United States. My mother was part-Cherokee, born and raised in Oklahoma, and my father was an Australian, but we lived for a long time in Los Angeles. We would often drive between the west coast and my mother’s family in Tulsa, but we’d take these circuitous routes on un-mapped back-roads, adding days and hundreds of miles to a journey that was already fifteen hundred miles long via the direct route on Interstate 40, through desert towns like Barstow and Winslow and Albuquerque.

 

I still remember the weird roadhouses we stopped at, filled with faux-Native American trinkets, and Mexican candied skulls, as well as petrified tree fragments, fossils and pebbles of polished turquoise. We’d end each day in some rickety, half-dead town in Arizona, New Mexico or Texas, staying in a cheap motel with a swimming pool and a noisy ice-machine. Sometimes, we’d be so close to the Mexican border that it made no difference which side of it you were on – it could just as well have been Mexico but with better air-conditioning – and at that time of the year, the whole place would be overtaken with unsettling (but to a young kid, exciting) syncretic symbols and rituals, part Catholic, part ancient Toltec, part Hopi or Navajo, with black-robed Madonnas, painted skulls and masks, crucifixes and snake skeletons. It was never scary and solemn, only celebratory, not just honouring the dead but inviting them to a party, to spend time among friends and family. The barbecue smoke always smelled of mesquite.

 

Later, when I became an artist working on large, intricate drawings in ink on paper, the impressions of those road trips insinuated themselves into what I drew: skulls on snake bodies, ’60s neon signs, tattooed women and grinning death-heads, the Robert Williams-influenced cars (my parents drove a cherry-red Chevy Impala SuperSport). Even the modern military references were derived from fleeting glimpses of fighters and tanks arrayed on open tracts of desert, at Nellis or Luke air force bases, or Camp Navajo. They seemed as commonplace as the motels, drive-in diners and cheesy girlie bars that littered our route.

Finn Lafcadio O’Hanlon-

For further information, to receive a selection of high res images, or to arrange an interview, please contact Finn by email: Flohfactory@gmail.com . His work can also be viewed in low res’ at https://www.instagram.com/finnlohanlon/

Below: Finn Lafcadio O’Hanlon, photographed in Kreuzberg by Lotti Leona, 2015
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You’re a Writer, Damn it! Own it! – Assistant Editor, Justin Hunter

You may have seen me on Twitter or in the emails you’ve received recently. That’s because Kelly was kind enough to let me join this amazing journey.

Sick Lit Magazine has a goal of truly helping writers and finding those underrepresented voices. I want to be a part of that mission, and I’m excited to be on the team now.

I’ve been a writer my entire life, but I’ve only recently taken it seriously. Well, that’s not true. I took it seriously for a time back when I wanted to be a screenwriter. Then I let that dream die. Luckily, I came back to writing, and I’ve found my niche in prose.

I want to be a part of something that helps writers NOT let those dreams die. You’re never an aspiring writer if you’re writing. You’re a writer, damn it. Own it. Send us your work. We want to read it.

I’m currently working on my MFA in creative writing at Arcadia University.

That program has benefited me in so many ways. One benefit that I hope to pass along here is feedback. I’ve never gotten the type of feedback on my writing like what I get in my MFA program. If we can, we try to be constructive if any piece we read is rejected. The literary community could use more of this. You’re (very likely) writing for free, so it’s only fair that we’re providing critiques for free. Of course, this is something we can’t always promise, but I can personally promise to try to carve out as much time as possible to provide feedback if I am rejecting a piece.

On a more personal level, outside of writing, I love my family and baseball. When I’m not writing, I’m probably playing with my kids, watching movies with my wife, or watching baseball. I live in Dallas, TX, and I’m slowly growing into the Metroplex community after bouncing around for a few years. If you are interested in my writing, feel free to check out my website. My publications are all listed there: http://justin-hunter.com

I look forward to reading your submissions, so bring them on.

Stop thinking of yourself as aspiring, and start seeing yourself like we do: as writers.

Best, 
me
Assistant Editor, 
Justin Hunter

New Beginnings and Pumpkin-Spiced Everything! – Senior Editor, Melissa Libbey

 

Hey there Sick Lit Mag readers, it’s back to school time!

 

That might not mean much to many of you.

Either you are out of school (and have been for years) or you don’t have kids in school or maybe you do, but they are done with school.

I get it, why should you care that it’s back-to-school season?

Here is why.

Back-to-school is a feeling; not an actual event. The summer winds down, the days grow shorter and the air gets a bit cooler. There is this sense in the air of change.

Every year when I went back to school I felt like I had a clean slate.

A chance to be different or do things differently. That is still true this September. Because you know what? I’m going back to school. But this time the tables have turned! Now I am in front of the classroom instead of sitting in a desk.

And I’m freaking out!

Will the students think I’m too young? Will I be an effective instructor?

I have changed my syllabi many times and done tons of research on lesson plans and how to effectively teach grammar and syntax. I think I am a great writer but how do I translate that to the classroom? These are the questions I have been asking myself.

But then I thought, I have been doing this all summer!

I have been reading your work. I have been giving the contributors advice and feedback on their writing and I have personally worked with a few of you to turn your submission from a rejection to an acceptance. I have become really proud of that!

That’s what I want to do with my students, encourage them to keep trying. I learned that from all of you and for that I want to say thank you!

So although this year back to school actually means me walking in to a classroom as a teacher for the first time it can mean anything for you. Maybe you want to change your look. Maybe you want to read that book you have been putting aside for months. Maybe you want to write that flash fiction piece that has been in the corner of your mind forever. Get it out on paper, pick up that book, and cut your hair or go shopping for a new wardrobe. There’s nothing else like September that screams, “TIME FOR CHANGE!”

Fall isn’t just about buying school supplies, buying a new pair of jeans and consuming pumpkin spiced everything. I personally will be drinking tons of pumpkin tea and making my famous pumpkin butterscotch cookies; I LOVE pumpkin. Fall is about taking yourself more seriously now that the fun summer months are over.

Sit down and write a poem about the change of the season. Write a fiction piece about going back to school or starting a new job. Write a creative non-fiction piece on a major change in life. Whatever it is just remember that September can stand for so much more than dropping your kids off for their first day of school.

 

Happy fall everyone and get writing!

 

Best,

 

Melissa

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The Shadow – by CONNER HAYES

The Shadow

 

Burning made me feel alive. Pain provided me with a passing, excruciating escape from the bombastic blissfulness of life. Everybody was happy, but nobody knew why. The faces strolling past me shone with hedonistic delight and perplexed enchantment. Vapors of gray smoke wafted around our heads, obscuring the hidden truth of the City, hiding the truth of us. Nobody knew what caused the happiness. Nobody knew what caused the pain. We roamed the deserted streets of the dark, looking for the cause, searching for the cure. We allowed the night to null our hearts together, following the eternal lights of the City to the inevitable end. They showed us the way to nowhere.

       

The tower across the water pulsed its precious lights constantly, casting the City in continuous illumination. The harbor bustled with movement, the darkened outlines of boats creeping inwards from the black ocean. The skyscrapers stabbed the sky; the opaque clouds choked the shining stars above. A chill mist permeated the air. A steamy fog lurked down every hollow alley and silent street. It was always dark in the City. The sun never stabbed its way through the stagnant gray clouds, and if it occasionally did, the light was fleeting and faint.

       

I was burning inside. Like the inexplicable happiness of pain, I couldn’t explain it. I had given up trying to understand my condition. I should be happy like everyone else. No one wore their dismay during the night. We wore our dismay during the day, when the lights hid the pain. I hadn’t always possessed the pain. I wandered the streets each night in search of the cure.

Something nefarious, growing, spreading, was gnawing at my heart. I searched for freedom and the cure, but neither existed in the City. They likely existed somewhere, hidden in a crevice, a dank alley, a defeated den, but the City was too great to ever have a chance at finding it.

 

The City was large and we were small. We looked, but we would never find it. We all were prisoners of the City, chained to our hopeless pursuit of the cure, chained to each other, chained to ourselves. We followed the blazing lights, but we were all lost. The way was illuminated with the false lights of the City, but our paths were dark. We were lost, searching the sea of suffering and uncertainty for something, anything to diminish the pain.

       

I followed the cold lights to a dimly lit bar on the west side of the City. The place was faintly lit. I liked the dim lights more than the bright ones. The bright ones made me feel anxious and exposed. People could see me too clearly in the bright lights. The place was buzzing with enigmatic exhilaration; there was something alive in here, but none us knew what it was. I waded through the surging crowd towards the bar. People noticed my passing. They could sense my sickness. They could feel the burning inside me; they could sense my suffering. People noticed me and parted in my path.

       

I saw a small shape creep out of the back door onto the balcony. I knew that shadow. I recognized that shy walk. I fought through the crowd, following the shadow. Everyone was raging in bizarre delight. Their incomprehensible faces showed their sickness, but I could tell none of them were as sick as me. Nobody knew me here, but they all noticed me. A few attempted to shake my sallow hand and strike up conversation as I passed. I did not want to get to know them. I wanted to find the shadow that I knew. The shadow would save me.

       

The shadow hid on the edge of the balcony, peering out at the blazing skyline of the city. The black bay sat completely still; the water reflected the scintillating stars of the heavens above and absorbed the hazy gaze of the veiled moon. I tried to swallow the stale air. The tumultuous din of the people inside grew fainter. There was no else on the balcony except us. They could feel my sickness and they avoided me. The shadow did not move.

       

I sat down next to her, unable to breathe. She did not notice me.

       

“I’m sick,” I told her, exhaling the words as I gulped down the perfume-permeated air around her.

       

“I know,” she replied, never breaking her gaze from the flickering skyline across the dead water.

 

I watched the shimmering skyline with her and it reminded of a distant time long ago before I was sick. We sat there for an eternity and watched the City burn slowly with lingering light. We loathed the City, but it was our City. It was all we knew. It was the only thing that remained of us. We didn’t touch, but we could imagine. We watched the lights dancing across the water and imagined. We remembered.

       

She did not say anything more. I could not say anything because I could not breathe in her suffocating shadow. Besides, I had nothing to say. I was sick and that was all.

       

I got up and left the balcony. As I exited the bustling bar everybody noticed my passing. She did not.

***

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Conner is a twenty-one year old English major pursuing a career in writing and academia. He is currently a senior at Birmingham-Southern College planning to obtain an M.F.A. in Creative Writing and Ph.D. in English Literature. He has been published in 221 Magazine and The Copperfield Review in prose and Transcendent Zero Press’s Harbinger Asylum in poetry. Additionally, his novel was considered in the First Annual Young National Writers Contest at age sixteen.

Strange Night – by ROB TRUE

Strange Night

 

In a dark, strange and quiet night picture.

Everything looks sharp.  Nobody about, just me roaming streets.

Looking at the slabs on the pavement and there it is.

A message in some sort of ancient writing.

All over the paving stones, it’s fucking everywhere!  Why hadn’t I noticed this before?

I can’t read it, it’s old language, an alien script.

Layers upon layers of ancient writing.  It’s not just on the stones, but in them deep, three dimensional, like a hologram.

I want to read it, to understand its wisdom, but I can’t.  There’s no hope!  No hope.

Vomit comes out in a perfect circle, lands on the floor bubbling.  Its fucking bubbling!     

I stand there looking at it fizzing and boiling.

Walking away and all the passenger doors are open.  It’s a car stereo thief done it, but the look of it, mysterious, possibly supernatural.

I walk for a while and fall over on the path, laughing.  Crazy laughing at black sky, at nothing, like falling through life and death, a dream that don’t matter, don’t mean shit.  

I know nothing, just mad laughter.

Why am I laughing?

I don’t really know.

I get up and walk.  I find myself in the park and lying there looking up at the dark sky, with trees rising over me like mad black claws coming out the ground.

Everything is just right.  I lie there feeling the power runnin’ round my veins.  My blood knows forever this crazy delirium, with an idiot’s wisdom flowin’ through it.  This feeling is old, in me from childhood, memories back infinitely into distant nothing and everything.

***

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Rob True was born in London 1971. He left school with no qualifications, dyslexic and mad, in a world he didn’t fit into. He got lost in an abyss, was sectioned twice and spent the best part of a decade on another planet. He returned to earth just in time for the new millennium, found a way to get on in life, married a beautiful girl and lived happily ever after. She taught him how to use paragraphs and punctuation and his writing has been a bit better ever since. Find him on Twitter at: https://twitter.com/robjtrue

The Dying Time Traveler – by MILEVA ANASTASIADOU

 The Dying Time Traveler

Lying here, among faces that stare at me in despair, unable to move my legs or arms, I begin to remember. The only open road is driving me backward. The poet in me finally awakens, on the most inappropriate moment though, when I should concentrate all my strength to save myself  from the disease that is trying to throw my body into the dustbin of time.

A dive into the past,

where happiness seems to lie,

nothing is made to last,

yet the soul longs to fly

It’s not only the disease. If it was, I would have easily found the point I am looking for, the start of all evil. It would certainly be the time before I got sick, but this is obviously not the case. The first thing I wished for, when the diagnosis was announced, was a trip back in time, to a few seconds ago, when I was not aware that my condition had such a serious name, or such a bad prognosis.

After a while, my wish shifted a little bit further back, to the time the symptoms had not yet appeared.

If I could manage to travel back to that period of time, when there was no trace of the disease yet, when my arms and legs did not hurt, when I could easily stand and walk, then I would be happy. And for a while, I was.

The mind is capable of the longest journeys, defying the known barriers of place and time. Whenever I managed to reach my destination, though, I felt less and less happy.

During my first trips to that old and familiar place, to that season when I could not even suspect that I would have to leave everything behind in a little while, I felt immense joy, inherently dependent to my current situation.

I could tell the difference between then and now, as I had not yet discovered a way  to disengage from my current situation during the trip. Therefore the comparison was inevitable, with the past easily gaining the winning position. The more I improved my technique to immerse myself in memories without carrying the present as heavy baggage, the less joyful I felt.

It all started with the big journey. The fatigue triggered the disease, as I suspect. It may not have been the fatigue itself, but the despair I was hiding inside me for so many years, that in the sight of the slightest hole, the smallest crack on the surface, poured on me to destroy me, wrapping its tentacles around my increasingly weak body.

The journey had always been my dream.

I have been fantasizing about it since I was a kid, but never had neither enough time, nor money to realize it, thereby constantly postponing it into a future time when I would supposedly have enough of both. Unfortunately, I have never been that lucky, until I recently decided that my wish should be fulfilled. I ran out of obligations, as I got fired at a time that did not upset me at all. I was so tired of the job, which I had never wanted in the first place, but had been obliged to undertake in order to survive, that I could not care less. I was expecting it anyway. The salary had been satisfying, certainly above average, but in times of crisis, advertising companies do not last long. Thus, I made the brave, for my standards, decision, to begin the journey, the greatest adventure of my life, not with the luxuries I had once imagined, but on a bicycle and a tent.The trip lasted three weeks, and would have lasted longer if the symptoms had not appeared, that made me speed up my return, only to realize that my childhood dream would never be fully fulfilled.

That is how the other journey started, the big dive into the past, that transformed me into a time traveler in search of that magical moment, or season, that I – for once –  felt happy in my life. The journey is leading me to older and older seasons, making it clear that what has happened to my body, has always been happening to my mind and soul. Decay has already started since the day I was born, affecting not only my body, which is expected, but my soul as well, which was supposed to flourish instead.

Logically, I was happy when my son was born. I remember my joy for sure, which was overshadowed, though, by the stress of future obligations. I surely must have felt happy on the day I got married. I chose my wife wisely, as a capable companion for the rest of my life. That is how most people get married anyway. To be honest, we were never joined by that kind of romantic love that is described in books and films. I could tell though that she was a good woman, on whom I could depend through thick and thin. I was never a true realist, but always acted like one. I remember falling in love again and again when I was still very young, but even then it was nothing but an infatuation, a crush on a face that meant something important to me. I never really fell in love with another human being’s soul. Only with faces and their ability to fulfill my demands.

They are still standing above me, I can see their worrying faces. My body is at the hospital once more, while my mind is wandering through the labyrinth of time. They think I am dying, but in reality my soul is reborn. It is not me dying, but my time in this body. My time on this planet is diminishing and I finally have the chance to travel through it, back and forth, flowing through my past in order to free my spirit and get ready for the greatest adventure. My body gets all the weaker day by day. The smaller I get though and the weaker I become, the bigger and wilder my soul is growing, spreading its branches around like a tree, to embrace the universe. The universe will fit into my arms in just a little while.

I did my best to reach you,

I have finally arrived,

I have nothing left to give you,

But my soul revived

Going further back, I searched for joy on the day I got my job. I became an advertising company executive rather easily, without much effort. The prospect of a job that would ensure my survival and much more later on was obviously a relief. I became a very good designer indeed, one of the best in the market. But the price was big and grew bigger with time. This job required my authenticity in exchange to all it had to offer. While I used to spit my pessimism on the canvas while drawing, in the most liberating way, all the negativity concentrated inside my body and soul, finding no other way out, since I had been obliged to draw happy pictures for unimportant advertisements. The worst part is that I was rewarded for this, for the loss of my soul. How can you search for another soul, when you learn to let go of yours?

Going even further back in time, I wonder if the important moment I am looking for happened in my youth. Maybe the first good grades at school caused some enthusiasm, but soon they were followed by the fear of  subsequent performance. Then came the vicious circle, in which I was immersed for the rest of my life. I was happy for my success for a single moment, until the expectations multiplied and I had to chase some more. I should have been happy with what I had already accomplished, but when I achieved something, new wishes automatically were born, for more success and achievement. Then, one obligation led to another, so that I had to postpone my happiness for a little later, to that moment in time when I would have managed to finish off with all of my commitments. As a result, the  journey became the absolute target, the symbol of my liberation from the shackles of thought that imprisoned me in unhappiness, banner of the day that my life would properly begin. Strangely, it is now ending, just when I was ready to live it.

Last time I really felt joyful, without any weight bringing me down, is back  when I was very young, before I even went to school. Afterwards, worries filled my mind, which has connected joy to carefree-ness. There was always a shadow, a worry about the future that evolved the way it evolved, regardless of my worry about it. The secret as I now see it,  is to empty your mind of shadows and weights. To deal with them when needed and then put them in a corner, to deal with them again later if necessary. This is a lesson that I never learned and even if I did, I will not be able to use my knowledge for long anyway. I never learned how to truly live. To be consciously happy. Not in the simple, childish way, but  knowing that any time soon, happiness can fall apart as a castle in the sand. You seek and long for a safe place to lay your dream house, knowing that even the planet, along with everything on it, will one day disappear. Even the sun that lights it and makes life possible on it, has its own expiration date. You only hope that the finite of your own existence will not allow you to live through larger disasters, than you own extinction, when your time comes.

Finally though, even the incomplete journey, the symbol of my freedom, did not make me happy. It was not as I had imagined it in my youth, untroubled and carefree. I was running to come first in a race without an opponent, or even worse, against myself. As I could not let go of the competitive reflex I had developed, I was running out of habit. I was competitive against myself, until the disease came to put things back in order. My strong physical defense became a powerful attack against my own self. As a consequence, the body followed the soul and created the disease.

I feel the air getting thicker. An unfamiliar face near me is looking towards my direction in agony and then to the crowd I can barely see with the corner of my eye. If my life is really passing in front of my eyes, then what is happening to me means I am close to the end. And then it comes to me. This is the moment I was looking for. The lost piece of my life’s completed  puzzle. This face looking my way in agony, is the most beautiful face I have ever seen. It is not only the face though. The longer I look at her, the clearer I see beyond the face. I travel inside the eyes, directly to the heart and then to the soul. I see her soul. I am in love. I smile to her and she smiles back at me, full of expectation. All is now complete and I can now free myself from the weight of the body and become so small that the whole universe fits into my arms.

I beg you my bride,

To keep my soul within you in pride

Of my body I am bereft.

She said, “I will,” and left.

***

Mileva

Mileva Anastasiadou is a neurologist living and working in Athens, Greece. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in many journals, such as Menacing Hedge, the Molotov Cocktail, Fear of Monkeys, Infective Ink, Ofi press, Maudlin House and many others. She has published two books.