Evil 101 – by Doctor Disturbious

Evil 101- A few lessons from the dark side.

An ongoing series on how I gave up on a normal life and settled for the world…

So you are curious about evil? That’s what usually brings the attention here. From F.B.I profilers to even the casually interested- It’s all a mystery to them. What tortures someone’s soul? What gives them a bent, warped… dare I say it? “A skewed perspective on lives and the disposability of others?” And so they come marching stiff backed and demanding answers, or weaseling in, like petulant children wondering when they will be spanked. The worst think they have answers, but even the best aren’t far above that. Well in consideration for Agent Baker, who seems to think he’s some sort of parole officer for the wild and impish outer fringe of society, I will attempt to impart some of my vast knowledge on you lowly, undeserving masses.

So where should we begin? Let’s do something novel and start at the beginning. My name is Doctor Disturbious. I’m known far and wide as a doctor, but I’ll let you in on a little secret. The title is honorary. There’s very few places that will extend a medical license to someone whose chief mental preoccupation is to break down how life works, then rebuild it. Add cannons. And send it off to the city to raise mayhem until they shower us with money. In fact I’ve had to make most of this up as I’ve gone along except for the parts I’ve copied from civil authority handbooks. Be careful when you mess with the civil authorities. Their evil has tenure.

After much soul searching (Yes I know, I was surprised too!) Every life is a story, but have you noticed some people end up taking the lime light? Sad but true. Real genius is a fading thing, much the same as auto tune has taken the place of real singing. The classic structure between hero and villain has been replaced by Godlike powers and a propensity to not get laid on a regular basis. The villain comes up with a mildly titillating idea to kill off dozens of people and set the thing in motion. The hero swoops in, saves the day and moves on. This is what we are facing. A horrendous future, where you get maybe a month of freedom, then you get locked up. Can we say boring? And what kind of future is that? Carving a shiv out of a prison breakfast bran muffin and trying not to catch the eye of people much bigger and with more immediately evil plans? No. This is nothing to aspire to. This is no dream job where people are throwing money at you. This is no gilded cloud where you can look forward to a golden retirement and a couple rounds of golf a week with O.J. Simpson and Jeffery Dahmer. This is a job you have to have a reason for. This is one of the few jobs left where you must not only be passionate, but wear that passion on your sleeve!!

Sorry about that. I’m told that I have a distinct habit of spraying spittle when I talk. I’ve won awards for my mad rants. It’s a carefully cultivated art form, so do try to keep up.

So why do it? Why do something that with every plan we could get blown up, stabbed, killed, and that just from our own minions? Sad to say there are usually only a few motivating factors.

1. It’s a million to one chance but it just might work!- some people take to villainy the way that people take to the lottery. Sure you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than you are to have your “Tremendous Evil Plan” ™ succeed. But yet there is always a gambler or two in the office pool at your work place. It’s the same here in my social circles.
2. The good guy took everything from me- People who follow this line often discover things the hero hadn’t ACTUALLY taken from them. Just in time to have them actually BE taken away.
3. I must have revenge on those people who scorned me!- This one usually is the biggie. Who knew that beating up the geeky kid with glasses and stealing his lunch money would have such a far reaching effect? In fact most of the people being revenged upon are horrified to discover that it really WAS character building. In fact four out of five of the villain’s inner demons usually succeed in taking a fair chunk of these people’s life away. I remember fondly when Professor Barton Zero managed to use his anti-libido beam on half of Century City’s political population, but like all good things, eventually they have to come to an end.
4. I’m insane!- Well admitting it is the first step. Then you can focus on being evil and not have to sit around wondering why. These are usually the hard core cases. They don’t even take a weekend off for hanging with family or friends. Even when those family or friends are dead, and stuck on repeat in their minds. That’s a bummer. It’s hard to go on dates or even browse the internet for porn when your parents are always hanging around saying “YOU KILLED ME! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
5. I like money- Good for you. Become an evil investment banker. You can then have government assistance with your evil schemes. Personally I’ll have nothing to do with white collar crimes. No one “phones in the evil” on my watch. Money should be less of a thing you roll around in, and more of a “it buys weapons so I can defend my money” thing. In short, it’s a means to an end.
6. I am undeniably one bad mutha- Yep. They usually are. But usually these guys play by their own rules and from time to time can be either epic evil, or (ugh) epic good. You never can tell with these guys, so do your best to ask what they’re up to before you roll out your big plans. More about these guys in later articles.
7. No one understands me- Well what do you want? A hug? Get out there and create something! If you’re using your evil schemes as a replacement for how you spent your whole youth causing puppies to retch as you walked by. Don’t get mad. Don’t keep it inside!! Let them puppies free!

There are other reasons to go evil, but these are definitely the top ones. And while I do approve of you going and “finding your evil groove” so to speak and maybe branching out into “the hero stole my money market account”, you don’t want to find yourself turning to evil so far that you become a force of good. The whole point of adopting an “evil lifestyle” is to get back to your roots, to get back to the part of you that was wide eyed and innocent, before some guy forced you to wear your underwear on your head. Or if you happen to have been evil all along, GOOD FOR YOU! Be calm, rational, and unbelievably deadly as you stroll casually from place to place.

This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in, even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!

Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who, when not plotting revenge and aspiring to sleep, can be seen blowing crap up on his website, www.grin-n-spirit.com. Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.