At the moment I feel as though I’m going through an entirely unique brand of hurt. During my dysfunctional, bipolar second marriage, we lost three babies. One of which was really recent. So on top of all the lies, the stealing, the hurt, and the distrust, there were three separate pregnancies that all ended with a baby dying.
On top of that, I still have to deal with my ex-husband and our ridiculous custody arrangement for my other two children. Today my son did not want to leave my house to go with his dad. He was screaming, crying, and he was hysterical. (Our custody arrangement is split 50/50 – one of our children is 10 years old, the other is 6 years old. My six year old son is the one who is struggling with the arrangement.) His dad stood there, totally unemotional, unaffected, acting like I had somehow put my own son up to this. The reality is that my son is having a hard time and is having some very real emotions about everything. So when I had to tell him that he needed to leave, it ripped my heart out. I still feel sick over it and it happened over an hour ago. Where do I go from here? What do I do?
I was married (the second time) barely over a year. He already has a lawyer and is planning to just rake me over the coals even though he stole my things and pawned them and siphoned money out of my paychecks regularly; you can’t make a case for any of that since there is no technical “stealing” if you’re married, even if the other party is a drug addict with a documented history of theft.
And as far as the custody arrangement from my first marriage goes, my hands are just tied. I cannot afford a lawyer. I don’t have a family lawyer, nor is my dad a lawyer with lawyer friends who will do things for me for free.
I’m at the point where I just want to give up. People keep telling me how strong I am; is that just because I show up for work and put on a smile? Even though I’m dying inside? Even though I’ve had to just deal with the mountain of crap I’ve been given? I don’t feel strong anymore and I’m honestly so sick of trying. It hurts too bad to try.
Why do we have to cause each other so much pain and suffering? And how much is enough? When do I get to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, some sort of vindication?
SICK LIT MAGAZINE 