Here I sit, sick again, looking down at my ravished flesh.
Bruised, bloody and swollen. Broken veins and scars of old
Trousers round my ankles, looking for a vein as I shiver and
cough. Claret all down me from failed attempts, my veins are all
I’ve been sitting here half an hour now, sweating, sneezing, the
bile rising in my throat, stomach cramped up and so fucking
cold, so hot, feverish.
A stinging tear rolls down my cheek (don’t get many of them). I
realize how fucking pathetic I am.
A man no more, never have been, I entered adulthood in this
god forsaken, yet heavenly trance.
Not even half a man. A ghost. A ghost of myself, haunting this
A half arsed attempt at pretending some sort of normal. I’m
trying to live like a normal human since I pulled my self
together. Even though I use huge amounts of heroin and I am a
drug dealer, which between the two take up most of my day.
In between shooting up, laying barely conscious and dropping
off gear to other desperate cunts, I pretend to live some sort of normal, whatever that is. A normal drug addict? A normal criminal? A normal lunatic?
I am fucking ghost. Undead, a zombie with a demon inside.
Yes, a demon! And that is why I feel so pathetic. I just realized
I’m a fucking slave. A slave to this demon inside.
All my life I rebelled. Against parents, teachers, the law, all
those brainwashed, unquestioning, mindless pricks who lied so
much to me growing up.
I didn’t believe a word of it, still don’t. Fuck off and my middle
finger to every one of them.
What a rebel! What a wanker!
Look at me now, a slave to an invisible demon, a bit of brown
powder. I’m looking out these same eyes, but from a long way
back. I ain’t in charge. No, I’ve got to feed the demon and my body’s just the vehicle. That’s how I’m looking at my arms and legs right now. Just tools to feed this bastard demon.
My sole purpose, to acquire brown powder, melt it into water and inject it. To feed my demon.
The demon hands hold my heart in frozen time of no feelings,
no sadness, no joy. I am controlled by this entity. I have no
It’s funny though. I’ve loved this gear for years now, always
seen it as my savior from an unbearable madness, that consumed me before.
But in this moment I have realized. My heart is sunk, my illusion shattered and I’m in a dark hole.
But eventually, after I dig around a while in broken skin, I find that vein after clogging up the needle twice with congealed blood and having to put it in a new syringe.
And I shoot home to peace and comfort, ah that’s better.
It hits me in the back of my head, the warmth spreading, like
A little dose of heaven, it feels like God is giving me a
cuddle. Nothing fucking matters. Free from pain, I smoke a cigarette and lie back.
Some time passes by and there’s a knock at the door.
Fucking hell, I just want peace. I just want to be left alone to float around
inside with my demon.
It’s an old friend. I let him in,
“Sit down, make yourself at home. I’m ganna lie down for an
hour and then we can talk.”
How fucking rude, but I don’t care. This quiet in my mind is
what it’s all about for me, nothing else matters.
This is the day I realize. The day that I know I’m going to stop.
I never really wanted to stop before. Tried to a few times, but
didn’t really want to. But now, now I know that I am a slave and
that just don’t seem right to me.
I’m not that weak. I remember my inner strength. I’ve survived
things that most people don’t, against all odds, mind over
In fact, I am powerful, in my own way.
More powerful than a bit of fuckin’ brown powder.
More powerful than this demon!
I’m in here somewhere. Somewhere deep inside this wrecked
body it’s still me.
I decide that I have had enough. I’m going to get clean, change
my life. But not yet.
I don’t know this now but it will be more than a year before I
rediscover my power and defeat this demon.
I’m not ready.
***Rob True was born in London 1971. He left school with no qualifications, dyslexic and mad, in a world he didn’t fit into. He got lost in an abyss, was sectioned twice and spent the best part of a decade on another planet. He returned to earth just in time for the new millennium, found a way to get on in life, married a beautiful girl and lived happily ever after. She taught him how to use paragraphs and punctuation and his writing has been a bit better ever since. Find him on Twitter at: https://twitter.com/robjtrue ***