There is always that one person that you fall too hard for.
It happens so fast that you don’t see it coming. He seeps into your life without warning.
He was the poison in my life. It coursed through my veins and stung at my heart. It brought me to my knees gasping for air. Lust produced this fog that made me believe that he was the one and that he was worth fighting for. How could I not believe that he felt the same way about me? We were in love, weren’t we? I was wrong.
We were once friends. We had many late night talks and summer night drives. We could talk for hours about life and our dreams. Driving down quiet back roads and parked in deserted parking lots. He made me laugh. Some nights we would drive for hours with just the radio blasting; no talking at all.
But I guess we couldn’t be friends anymore.
Once the first kiss happens, it’s all over.
That’s when charade began; he made me believe he was in love too. He had sweaty palms as he held my hand, his long fingers running through my hair, heavy breathing as our lips touched. The front seat of the car felt smaller, almost as if we couldn’t hide from the feelings floating through the air.
I broke the silence and told him how I felt. But he said he didn’t know if he felt the same.
Now I was stuck in this weird limbo. Between friend and girlfriend. Stuck in this stark white waiting room reading bad magazines, waiting for him to make up his mind. Waiting for him to stop running back to his ex-girlfriend because she feels safe. Waiting for a chance to prove that I am capable of making him happy. I’m stuck in this place with no name, and no way out.
I see my phone light up with his name and my heart flutters. I text back smiley faces and senseless emojis to hide my true feels. All of me wants to ask if he is ready for me in his life. But I don’t, because I want him say it on his own.
But he never does.
I jump at the chance to see him. We make plans that never happen, lunch dates he never shows to. He asks for favors he never returns. Meanwhile I make extravagant excuses for him and deceive myself into believing that he is so great.
And then one day I stop. I can’t let the poison continue. It’s draining the life out of me. I need to suck out the poison before it’s too late. I can’t answer his texts or calls. I can’t dream of us together anymore. I can’t wait around for the day when he will want me in his life.
But there is one thing I wish I could tell him: I will always remember you. I decided that although it’s slightly painful, I will never forget our friendship. Sitting shotgun and looking over at you while you held the steering wheel with one hand and changed the radio station with the other. Only stopping when you found a Drake song that was playing.
I’ll never forget that when you laughed your eyes laughed too.
And I want you to know that they are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen on a man. They are soft hazel/brown with the slightest tint of green and they make my heart skip a beat every time I look into them.
But this all has to come to an end. This isn’t healthy, this obsession is toxic and wasteful.
You weren’t the best person for me; I think we both know that. But when I was with you, I’d never felt more alive. Although you broke my heart, you opened my eyes. I now can see things I thought I couldn’t see.
I deserve better and I deserve more.
I just wish you could have seen that too.
Melissa Libbey is a recent graduate with her MA in English and Writing Studies. She is also the first intern for Sick Lit Magazine. When she isn’t writing or reading, she can be found drinking wine while petting her dog. She has also been published on Thought Catalog, Kean Xchange and her twitter: @Miss_Libbey16
*Featured image courtesy of artist Toby Penney*