The Maiden’s Lament
Heterosexual, employed, and not too weird—
Is that too much to ask? Isn’t there someone,
Somewhere, who just wants a wife and kids?
Let me tell you about my last few dates.
First, a guy who asked me to keep his dog
While he went to visit his former wife.
Looking back, that’s not so bad compared to
The one who wanted pictures of me nude,
Gagged, with a turkey sausage up my ass.
Or the one who wanted a threesome, with me
And his Burmese python. I said no thanks.
Or the one who wanted me to dress up
As a Franciscan nun, and spank him hard.
Best of all, the one who asked me to join
His commune, and seventeen other wives.
If you’re a normal guy with a tongue, call me. Please.
Randel McCraw Helms retired from the English Department at Arizona State University in 2007, having taught classes in the Romantic poets, the Bible as Literature and contemporary literature there for thirty years. He is the author of five books of literary criticism, including “Tolkien’s World,” “Who Wrote the Gospels?” and “Gospel Fictions.”
Making poems is his lifelong avocation, and now he has time to write them as much as he wants. He is preparing a book of poems to be entitled “Matters of Life and Death.”