What is a Woman’s Worth? – by KIM D. BAILEY

What is a Woman’s Worth?

By Kim D. Bailey

 

With all that’s going on this week after the election, this question bears asking and answering, with gritty insight and truth.

Many of my female friends are feeling betrayed at this juncture in our American journey. I won’t go into the politics of this too much, except to say that we have a President-elect who does not instill, for our national identity as women, a respect for us. Nor does he practice any respect for women on a personal level.

With that said, I want to address the women, and some of our brothers out there who are feeling lost and frightened by this new reality that is upon us.

Aside from the obviously egregious responses and actions being made by this new administration to race, freedom of religion, cultural diversity, and LGBTQ issues, our sense of worth as women has been compromised by the electoral vote of Donald Trump as the next president of the United States of America.

Those of us who are voicing these concerns are being met with deflating rhetoric. We are being told to calm down, get over it, give him a chance to show he’s not so bad, and sometimes—we are being told we don’t even have a right to voice our thoughts and feelings because we are intrinsically flawed in our thinking and feeling.

We are being called horrific names. Cunt, Whore, Slut, Stupid, Libtard, Bitch. We are being attacked at the very core of who we are—as women—for having an opinion outside the collective conscience of those who either voted for the PE or who abstained from voting altogether.

The latter is a dismally large number, by the way.

Of those who voted for the PE, many were women. Our sisters, mothers, aunts, nieces, daughters, cousins, grandmothers, and friends. Their reasons are their own—as we all have a right to vote for whom we choose—but their responses to our outrage is just as harmful as that of their male counterparts.

None of these responses reflect any truth as to our actual worth.

Women have fought long and hard for the rights and responsibilities that our male counterparts have enjoyed and born out. We were even behind African American men in the right to vote, not obtaining this right on a national level until 1920, over 70 years after the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848, the first women’s rights convention.

Nearly 170 years later, many of us voted for Hillary Clinton. In fact, the numbers are coming in, and in the popular vote, Ms. Clinton received upwards of 2 million more votes than did Donald Trump. More women voted for her than did men. Many women who voted for her are college educated to some degree.

As with any election, there is a winner and a loser. So, in this case, more than half of all those who voted in this election are grieving the loss.

But it isn’t just about losing.

For the first time in our history, a woman ran for president of our country. As a lifelong politician and public servant, Ms. Clinton was a strong candidate, especially in her demeanor, experience, and ability to work in a bipartisan manner for the good of the whole.

Therefore, many of us are grieving not just a loss, but the loss of a lifelong dream we have held that a woman could president of our nation and do a good job—as well, if not better—than any man.

We are hurting. We see this loss as a setback, because in so many ways, it is.

Not only did Clinton lose, she lost to a man who openly espoused sexual harassment as a normal part of his day-to-day life. He is also facing charges of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and even sexual molestation of a minor. In addition, he has been charged with fraud (racketeering) related to his failed Trump University business, he has somehow managed to avoid paying taxes for years (of which he brags), and he is in the process of building a cabinet that encompasses known Anti-Semite(s), a VP who is openly and harshly opposed to Roe vs. Wade and LGBTQ rights, and even includes his grown children as part of his special team. By the way, this a clear conflict of interest as they will continue to run his private businesses while he leads the country—with their assistance.

What were Clinton’s sins? The vitriol against her flaws, as opposed to his, was disproportionately astonishing. Emails. Being unlikable. Not smiling. Being hard and firm, even an evil bitch. Being part of an established form of government that people were sick and tired of supporting.

Being a woman.

Yes, I said it. Being a woman.

Our country voted for a misogynistic, criminal, unethical, and racist man over an imperfect woman.

I’ve heard some of my male friends—who I believe are well-intentioned and who believe they mean no harm—say that if it were only a different woman, maybe Elizabeth Warren for example, who had been chosen for the nomination to run for president by either major party, a woman may have made history this election year.

Beside being a crock of shit, this has become a tired refrain that diminishes reality and insults us further as women. The hard truth is, our country wasn’t ready for a female to lead.

Back to us, we are now in a reactionary dance. When we express ourselves, we are being attacked from so many sides, imploring us to accept what is.  We are being told we still don’t measure up.

When we are admonished for our opinions and feelings, we are hurt, and sometimes our response is anger and pain.

The root of this anger and pain, however, lies in abject fear on all sides.

Men see us as a threat. They truly do. Even when they deny it, there is a niggling sense of intimidation in most men’s minds that we are overcoming and surpassing them at alarming rates. For a society that has been rooted in patriarchy, this is a tough pill to swallow. Their fear became woefully evident in the results of the election. And this was supported by women who believe that men are to hold the power because they are indeed the stronger sex.

Women who did not vote for him are reacting to all manner of attacks and berating comments out of fear as well. We are afraid we will never be taken seriously, respected, or honored. We are quite certain that we shall never be fully heard.

When you stand in your own silence for so long, only hearing the echo of your voice off the canyon walls when you shout your worth to the universe, it’s hard to accept other’s reprimands and not-so-gentle advice to calm down. It’s even more difficult to be told to shut the fuck up.

So many of the responses we continue to receive are various forms of gaslighting, which as described by Oxford Dictionaries, is a verb: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

We see it and hear it every day. Our female friends are saying, “There must be something wrong with me.” Or they say, “I’m sorry, but, maybe I’m not thinking this out like I should…,” when they question this continued status quo. When hit with a barrage of gaslighting, or overt verbal abuse, many of us fold back into ourselves and believe the lie. We return to that place where we think we are asking, even expecting, too much to be heard and validated.

My call to action today to all women is not to give into this lie.

We must gather our strength and courage, more than ever now, and continue to stand for our worth.

Our worth is intrinsic. It does not rely on our abilities to “do a man’s job” well. Women are equally worthy as men to inhabit any space in this world. We need to embrace that worth and reiterate it to the world over and over until it becomes an unquestionable fact.

So, enough with the rhetoric.

If you feel your feet slipping on the icy slopes of the lie that we are not as capable and worthy, remind yourself that you are so much more than what others want you to believe. Do not back down under chastisement or shame for speaking out. Do not allow anyone—man or woman—to make you question your truth and your place in this world.

Pull out the threads of the tapestry that is the lie and weave your own. Then cover yourself in this fabric of authenticity.

WE as women are worthy, simply because we ARE. Once we believe that, there will be no stopping us.

***

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Kim Bailey Deal writes Women’s Fiction, short stories, poetry, and nonfiction. She has written two novels, now in revision. She authors a weekly column and is former Social Media Manager for www.five2onemagazine.com. Kim has several works published, including in Firefly Magazine Issue #3, on Writersdigest.com, Pilcrow & Dagger, Tuck Magazine, The Scarlet Leaf Review, Madness Muse Magazine, Drunk Monkeys, and forthcoming publications in Sick Lit Magazine, The Magnitizdat Literary, and Firefly Magazine Issue #8. A mother of four, she lives near Chattanooga, TN. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @kimbaileydeal and her blog at www.kimbaileydeal.net

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Announcements, Themes, T-shirt contests and More! – Kelly Fitzharris Coody

I know I’ve been posting a lot of editorial notes here lately, but it’s been a nice place to be able to vent.

That being said, I’ve been meaning to post announcements about the previous theme schedule and what’s to come at SLM.

SO, here’s what I’ve decided for now: Melissa is busting her butt, and unfortunately won’t be able to devote as much time to the magazine until after the holidays.

Everything will still happen, guys, just PLEASE bear with me while we go through somewhat of a transition. We will pick up on JANUARY 9th with the themes, picking up with Paul Beckman’s It Began in an Elevator, and go from there.

If we have sent you an email telling you we’ve accepted your work, then we’ve accepted your work. Once I schedule it for publication, you’ll get a personal email from me telling you the exact date and time of publication. I apologize for the delay in getting this information out to all of you, but I woke up with the nastiest cold-slash-flu-thing-virus-that’s-making-its-rounds-in-my-house this morning and have been buried under a mountain of stress on top of that.

Melissa and I were both due a sabbatical – they just so happened to coincide with one another. When I get the finalists from Kean University’s graphic design department for our t-shirt contest, I will post them and you guys will be able to cast votes for your favorites.

There are still good things in store, guys. Just hang in there.

Kelly

 

Anyone else asking themselves, ‘What the *CUSS WORD* is going on?!’ I am. So are a lot of women right now. – Kelly Fitzharris Coody

For starters, let me be clear: since my last post, things have gotten much, much worse in terms of cyber bullying and trolling. 

 

“My blood pressure has stayed at heart-attack level for days.”

“I have actually gotten sick over this.”

“I can’t be online right now…for my own mental health and sanity.”

[Actual Facebook feed quotes from two women and from one man.]

“So glad to be rid of this imaginary white privilege!”

“The red states are sane. The blue ones, I’ve named, “dumbfuckistan.”

“What did you do? Why are so many people mad at you? What did you do?”

[Actual Facebook quotes from men. Two of them avid Trump supporters, one just kind of clueless in a lost-puppy sort of way.]

What, in God’s name, IS going on? Unwarranted trolling has been happening on my page for quite some time now, pretty much right when my book was released, but it was all vulgar in its content. (Sexually explicit kind of vulgar). 

Now, it’s all become violent, threatening, and disturbingly mean. And, I might add, it’s all coming from my fellow Americans. Isn’t that something? That we’re so torn apart by politics that we are dividing ourselves from one another and isolating others left and right. We’re blocking each other, telling them we hate them, and we’re even screaming at people who are on the same side. WHAT THE FUCK?

Having been on the receiving end of a lot of misdirected hate from a lot of misguided men and women, something IS, indeed, going on.

My apologies for this letter being as brief as it is. I have come down with a cold. And for my sanity’s sake, I need to lie down again.

Kelly Fitzharris Coody

You have no idea what you’ve done. You’ve elected The Hunger Games. – Kelly Fitzharris Coody

A few words on bullying, misogyny, racism, harassment, and the future of our nation. 

“Ignore it — they want you to react.”

“Don’t engage with them; it doesn’t help.”

When has ignoring a societal / cultural behavioral shift ever worked to our advantage? EVER?

Never.

Does ignoring racism work? How about rampant sexism? Bullying? Then why the hell should I be so inclined, as a woman, to ignore this intrusive and disgusting brand of depraved behavior exhibited by so-called internet trolls? Does the fact that it’s Facebook somehow excuse this harassment? Or make it any less hurtful and destructive?

Absolutely not.

It’s never okay for a grown man to harass a woman – I don’t care if he’s written it to me on a scroll in Olde English in expert calligraphy. A spade is a spade is a spade. Had Hillary won, do you think I’d feel the need to take to a stranger’s Facebook page – a Trump supporter – and start throwing stones? What I have said on Facebook about this election is minimal in comparison to how I really feel.

If you wonder why I wrote, “You have no idea what you’ve done,” then, you either don’t understand or are corroborating the problem. Casting a vote for Donald Trump, in his opponents’ hearts and minds, means that you’ve been complicit in setting the stage for violent domestic issues as well as violent foreign issues to arise and explode.

And as for the Europeans who are demanding answers from people like me? You don’t think that we’re scared shitless? Trump has no political experience. The things he says about women rival those said by serial killers, serial rapists, and convicted women-hating criminals. He’s a bully. He’s made nothing but enemies as far as his stances on race and sexual orientation and gender. His words alone threaten to tear apart the fabric of our existence as human beings, much less his election to office. The way of life that we’ve lived is in the hands of a volatile, power hungry child. His extremist supporters (let me be clear – I am not saying ALL of his supporters; I am saying that there ARE Trump supporters like this) are aggressive, limitless in their anger against minorities and women, and seemingly unaware of the damage of an impending nuclear war.

The more aggressive male Trump supporters are no different than the middle-eastern men that they claim to hate so much.

I hope that this letter jinxes us and that none of this happens – that’s what the other side does not seem to understand. We aren’t hoping for Trump to fail. We are scared. We’re scared that he’s said, “I don’t understand. If we have nuclear weapons, why can’t we use them? Why can’t we use them?” And now, in less than two months, he will be our commander in chief. He will have access to these weapons. We are fucking terrified that his anger and volatility, coupled with the trigger-happy side of him will start World War III. You think that WE hope for this? We’re angry at the people who voted for him because we see them as the ones who hope for this.

“So sorry for someone like you.”

“You’re a fucking hypocrite.”

“Bitch.”

“Stupid bitch.”

“Another dumb cunt.”

Shall I go on? Make no mistake, ignoring this behavior from men on social media WILL NOT make it disappear. If they’re allowed to write things like this on my timeline, why am I being discouraged for calling it out? And for fighting back?

“You can’t reason with people like that.”

I couldn’t possibly give a shit.

If, by stalking my Facebook page, they’ve been able to surmise that I’m not a Trump supporter, and can string enough words together to make a sentence that says, “You don’t even have what it takes to have a man like me for one night, so sorry for someone like you!” WHY are my so-called friends and family yelling at ME for responding, “What in God’s name are you talking about, you ridiculous, moronic, ego-maniacal fool? I feel sorry for someone like you. And, by the way, I’m married.”

Here’s the thing: I DON’T WANT TO REASON WITH THEM. I WANT TO HUMILIATE THEM.

I need to address the amount of unwarranted, outlandish behavior that is becoming not only socially acceptable, but laughed off, even, by the mob mentality that is Facebook. I have not been on the receiving end of this much hate, bullying, and harassment since I was in middle school. It shouldn’t have happened then and it sure as hell shouldn’t be happening now; do you realize that you’re a grown MAN harassing and denigrating someone’s daughter, mother, wife, and sister? Does that thought even cross your mind? You’re so safe behind your computer that you spew malicious words as though it’s your job. The things that you say to me on here, in your comments, etc, would never be said to my face. At this moment in my life, I think I actually prefer getting pushed and laughed at by German adults – at least they were “man” enough to insult me to my face. Shame on you. Shame on all of you for your depraved behavior (this is going to those of you who have been especially malicious; not to my friends and fellow writers, human beings who display common decency no matter the color of their skin or the political party they choose to identify with).

The ever-growing monster that’s Facebook has given everyone a computer to hide behind as they say horrific things to one another, even without provocation to do so. Interestingly enough, when I had some time a few days ago, someone who called me a “fucking hypocrite” and kept doing so and wouldn’t let up, was quiet and calm when I sent them a private message asking them what was up.

I will be silenced no longer.

I don’t have to put up with endless sexual harassment, childish name-calling and blatant disrespect, even when it’s “JUST on Facebook.” Even my peers, mentors, supporters, and friends try to silence me when I call someone out for their idiocy and ignorance on social media.

STOP THIS. YOU ARE UNKNOWINGLY MAKING IT WORSE FOR US. BY DIMINISHING OUR WORTH. BY CORROBORATING THEIR MISOGYNY WITH WILLFUL BLINDNESS.

I will speak my truth and I am unapologetic. I am unafraid.

I remember a few months ago getting a grossly blown-out-of-proportion (and also a snippy, asshole comment, assassinating my character) comment on my profile picture. I looked at it. I was upset.

“You just want to argue with people,” said those around me. You know what that sentence did? It cemented in my mind that I was somehow to blame for the comment.

When, in fact, in reality, the funny thing is that the comment came from left field. It was unprovoked. So, yeah, sure, I play along that I’m always wanting a “good fight.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. Fights upset me; they’re hurtful.

“Don’t feed the trolls.”

“Get OFF of there!”

“Why are you getting so upset about FACEBOOK, Kelly? It’s fucking FACEBOOK!”

Before I’d fed the trolls. Or done anything except be who I am.

She’s a woman, so surely she did something to provoke that person. It’s her fault. Now she’s arguing all over the place; she is so embarrassing .

Remember that an argument against Trump does not equal an endorsement for Hillary. 

Let’s say, for a moment, that America, as a nation, is an addict. And this election was our wake-up call; our rock bottom, if you will. We’re only seeing the beginnings of how truly divisive this election has been thus far – and what’s to come remains to be seen.

We’re exhausted. We’ve been fed poison for far too long.

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Kelly Fitzharris Coody

Who Wants to Talk American Politics? No One? Anyone? Okay, Okay, You’ve Twisted my Arm. I’ll go. – Kelly Coody

No matter how you woke up feeling today: deflated, depressed, let down, apathetic, disillusioned, or even if you’re happy with the election outcome, it’s evident that what Americans are deficient in the most these days is basic kindness. Everyday, basic outward kindness, toward your neighbor, whatever creed or religion they may be, whatever shade their skin may be, is missing in our “Land of the free, home of the brave.”

Don’t let this divide you from your neighbor. Let this bond us and make us stronger, in spite of our differences. THAT’S what’s going to make America great. I left off the word ‘again’ because I don’t know that our society has always been great…or good…but what we hear a lot of is hypocrisy. Europeans calling us all “puritanical hypocrites” when their EU is full of its own brand of hatred, racism and flaws. Other countries who tell us that we ought to be ashamed that Donald Trump was even a representative. Are they blind? If they think for one second that I, Kelly Marie Coody, singularly, have the power to overhaul America’s electoral process and turn things around, then they are just as dumb as the people they’re shouting at, calling a “typical, stupid, fat American.”

The grass is NOT always greener, my friends.

When I lived in Germany in the ’80s, you think they were nice to us? You think that German adults, who ought to fucking know better, who ought to know how to behave as adults, were nice to my 4 year-old self and my brother’s 6 year old self? NO. Instead, every opportunity they got, they pushed us, laughed at us, kicked us, accosted us on the street when they learned my mom didn’t speak German, incited riots during the day, and harassed an innocent mother with her two children. CHILDREN. If anyone thinks it’s okay for a random adult to kick, hit, and harass a four year old girl just because she’s an American, then YOU, my friend, are the problem.

Shit is bad every where.

I woke up today sad. So did my daughter. So did my husband and my son and many, many other people.

There are times where I don’t even know what to think any more – I don’t know what to believe any more. Who’s right and who’s wrong?

It seems that no matter what we do as Americans, we are looked down upon by not only the European Union, but an entire slew of other countries as well. We are a joke. It doesn’t matter who the hell our Commander in Chief is (President Elect), how intelligent we are, if I suddenly figured out how to turn myself into Sir Ian McKellen and be Gandalf the Grey (and practice expert wizardry, speak Elvish, etc, etc…), no matter how savvy, well-spoken, informed, intelligent, or how many languages we speak, it’s always, “Oh, she’s an American.” 

**Let me make an addendum: my husband is under the impression that I’m stating everyone hates America and he vehemently disagrees. Par exemple, his dad is in Paris right now and he doesn’t feel looked down upon. For clarification’s sake, I’ll spell it out for you a little more specifically: I’m speaking from personal experience living abroad as an American. Personal experience of a lifetime FULL of being surrounded by Europeans and the like at various military functions, especially when my dad was a Lieutenant Colonel and SNR and we lived in Wichita Falls. I’d never had so many foreigners tell me what was wrong with both myself and my country in my life, as they stood in my home, eating my mom’s food and drinking our drinks, taking up our valuable time, giving us backhanded compliments and insulting our paper plates, sneering at our paper napkins.  This doesn’t mean that I, in turn, dislike Europeans, or anyone, for that matter. But that’s the thing about perspective. I’m only one pair of eyes and I’m sharing my perspective with you.**

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Above is a slideshow of my family and me living in Aschaffenburg, close to Frankfurt, outside of Bavaria, Germany. Granted, we lived there in a tumultuous time – from ’85ish to ’89-’90ish – and we moved to West Germany. By the time we left, it was all Germany.

I know all of the possible ramifications of this Trump presidency. I am aware. No need to list them here.

For those of you who are standing strong behind Trump and defending his win: don’t be naive. He’s just as cold and calculating as you think Hillary was – he’s as un-American as those people who look down on you in Paris, in Oslo, in Warsaw, in….Bavaria. He is still the same man who insulted Sen. John McCain for being captured after he was forcibly ejected from his aircraft in Vietnam, a violent, last-ditch resort that no fighter pilot ever wants to be on the receiving end of. I would know – my dad was a fighter pilot in the U.S. Air Force. I have seen every side to this fucking coin – every possible 3D angle to the Rubik’s Cube.

The only answer right now is knowledge, truth-seeking, and kindness. Be nice to each other. Seek your own truths. Amass knowledge. Stand together.

In Solidarity,

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Kelly Fitzharris Coody

(I’m on the left.)

 

 

Chin Up! You Should Just be Happy You’ve Made it THIS Far! – Editor in Chief – Kelly Fitzharris Coody

“Complain to me when you’re talentless and homely.”

“I’m jealous of how thin you are!”

“My, my, with that red hair, you could break everyone’s heart in this room.”

“Woooo!!I just got my royalty check and oh my god! Kelly, can you edit half of my next book for free?”

“I do love a good story… however I’ll just keep the memory of how insanely beautiful you are with me to sleep:)”

GUESS WHAT?!!!!! I am writing my own books, juggling staying at home with my children, being a good wife, running this web site, collaborating with another author on a book, and making sure there’s food on the goddamn table.

This is fun?

This is productive?

I’ve worked so goddamn hard on this book – on making it a really, really good book that I’m proud of.

The other “authors” don’t consider me a peer because of my fucking appearance. (As you can already tell, I’m going to swear a lot. Be advised.) What do you want me to do, put a bag over my head? This is my face. I won’t apologize for being a woman.

I’ve never felt more underestimated, undervalued, or disappointed in my life. Do you want to know how many times I have been asked to “sex chat?” Or if I’m “happily married?” Rather than asking me about my writing or anything else.

Oh, and while I’m here, I need to address this.

What gives?! I asked  you guys nicely if you would share a link from Underground Book Reviews’s Facebook page for me, as I was up for being reviewed by them, as I had made Pitch Perfect Finalist.

BUT ONLY ONE PERSON DID.

So, guess what happened?

A book about quiche won and, yeah, I am sort of crushed. A BOOK ABOUT QUICHE RECIPES WON AND GOT A THOROUGH, WELL-PROMOTED REVIEW. And me? Well, I’m still here. Plugging along. Going back to the drawing board.

Melissa and I have both come down with a cold / flu / plague thing, so we’ve been MIA recently. We will be MIA for a little longer as we figure out the new schedule – the themes are still going to happen, they just may happen after the holidays in order for them to work.

As of right now, we are pushing back publishing to a later date. I will put up another editor’s letter once I figure out what that date is.

Another funny note that I might mention here – half of you are friends with me on Facebook and don’t even realize that I’m the one you email with your submissions – that I’m the one working tirelessly to be a platform for YOUR writing. I created this magazine to give a voice to those who were talented and deserved to be heard.

Most other literary magazines / journals have a minimum response time of three to four months – please begin to expect the same from us. ESPECIALLY if I’ve told you we’ve accepted your work.

I’m the friend who listens to everyone else vent, is there as a shoulder to cry on for them, would do anything for them, but never receives it in return.

My throat is swollen and it’s painful to swallow. I’m going to bed.

I truly cherish the community that I’ve been able to foster here – but, sometimes, it’s hard to be everything to everyone while my own work is collecting dust in the corner. And, I’m still sick.

PS: I’ve mailed off everyone’s Pushcart Noms.

You know who I am.

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